This morning I popped to the cashpoint to draw money for my cleaners (hah, no I'm not rich and I'm not lazy either, lucky me has a completely knackered back where my children tried to kill me off so I can't reach into those nooks and crannies. And nor do I want to). To be told by the ATM that there were "insufficient funds". Trying to make it look like I knew it was going to say that and was just checking, I shuffled away with my head hung in shame.
Luckily for me the cleaners know where I live and if I don't pay up by next week they're bringing the bag of rubbish back to throw all over my house. Or beat me with a baseball bat. It's hard to tell these days but either way, I'm sure I'll manage to pay next week!
This evening after school, my friend came round to visit with her son. After a long old gossip and leaving the kids to entertain themselves, my friend suddenly points at one of my children and says "oh look! They're covered in Rocky Road!! Haha they've got it all over their pants!".
But no, no we don't have Rocky Road. Neither is it chocolate. No no my dear, that is NOT Rocky Road, it is poo. That's right, poo! My child had stripped down to her pants, pooed in them and then smeared it all over her body. I have to assume this was an accident (because, why???) and also that the smearing was not intentional because if that was the case, I'm packing up and leaving!! Who wants to live with someone who purposely poo's themself and smears themselves in it? Not me! So at the grand old age of 40 I had my first experience of hosing down said child in the shower, my god that stuff goes EVERYWHERE! It was like some kind of Splatterfest hell in my bathroom! My CLEAN bathroom!!
What was worse was that before I noticed that my child was covered in poo, they'd been trying to hand me my little chocolate cake 😱!! I've been known to snatch chocolate off a baby, but nope, tell you what, I'll let you keep that one kid!
Just as my friend was about to leave, and my dog was sat quietly chewing the wooden beading he'd just ripped off my kitchen skirting board, my friend clearly disturbed by the whole incident (I'm lying, she was crying with laughter), my cat sneezed against my window and subsequently covered it in cat snot. And I mean it was a lot of snot for a cat. I didn't even know cats HAD snot! Well mine did and now its splattered all over the window. My friend could barely contain herself at this point and crossing her legs declared that the cat snotting on my window was as funny as my driving (I only screamed that we were all going to die once, or maybe twice, whatevs....).
I am now strongly contemplating alcoholism. Oh wait, nope, can't afford it, there's no money in my bank!! And I'm off chocolate for now...