I wish I had a downstairs loo. For those moments when you need a wee but know if you go upstairs there will be chaos and carnage, and then there will be shouting, and arguments, and "tidy this craphole up right this minute young man!"'s! Not to mention the "do you think I'm your slave?", "do you think my life's work is picking up Lego men before I stand on them when I get up for a wee at night" and the occasional "you treat this house like a doss house".
And mine aren't even teens yet! I mean, if they're like this NOW, what hope do I have?! My 5 year old is going to be EVIL! I'm petrified! I think I may have to consider boarding school. Just from 13-25 when she should have started acting like a fairly rational human being. My eldest is on the verge of packing for "the children's home" every other day depending on his hormones...or if I'm breathing the wrong way, you know, the usual...
Therefore I have decided to throw away everything in my house! If there's nothing here then I can't stand on it, right?! And I won't have to pick it up either! Although it's taken me about 5 hours today just to empty, clean and refill one bookcase and my TV area from the 5,000 video cases, little bits of Lego, little bits of other toys or random springs (why?! Where from?!) that were put high up to stop the cats and dog eating them. Unfortunately cats can climb...
So I reckon to empty the rest of my house would take at least 4 weeks at this rate, and my complete ruthlessness would mean Id have to take out a small mortgage to pay someone to take my rubbish away - when the urge to declutter appears, I just bag it, sling it down the side of the house, and think about a way to get wet, dirty bin bags taken away that don't involve the interior of my incredibly small car (with white interior!). Which means it stays there until my dad can't cope with it anymore when he comes to visit and offers to stump up the removal costs! Hi Dad! 😁Love you!! 😁😁 👋 Not the most responsible way to approach it BUT if I start thinking of things like that, it will give me reasons not to do it, and I must strike while the irons hot!! Oh, well, actually, I don't iron (maybe one day I'll share my "self-ironing" technique!), so maybe strike when the kettles hot (I love coffee. Coffee loves me. I have to have two heaped teaspoons of coffee in my cup in the morning. This should give you an idea of what a completely miserable bitch I am first thing. Am thinking of upgrading to 3 teaspoons as I no longer get a caffeine rush, just slightly less droopy eyelids).
Except now I've tidied only one bookcase and the other ones waiting. Firstly, because I've only done one, the "tidied" one is currently holding every ornament, candle, Christmas ornament and Christmas candle I own, so it looks like it's a display in a Christmas shop, and secondly because I just didnt have the strength or energy left to be ruthless again yet. I needed to sit and eat mint Matchmakers instead. So essentially, so far it seems I spent 5 hours of my life today, to make my bookshelf look cluttered. Still. And yet I threw out 3 bin liners of stuff from that one bookcase. I mean, surely there's no room on that bookshelf for 3 bin liners of crap?! By the time I finish, Christmas will be over and we'll probably be well on our way to another one!
Anyway, must dash, I'm getting desperate now....maybe if I hold my hands at the outside of my eyes like blinkers, maybe I can make it upstairs and back relatively unscathed?? Because finding it when I crawl to bed at 2am is much better...at least they don't hear me swearing when I've stood on a fireman Sam board book with steering wheel on, a Guess Who board, and 3 Lego men with accompanying swords and rifles. These items were what I stood on last night. I said many B words. You know, Bastards, Bugger and Bollocking hell. We all have a certain word we use when we unexpectedly hurt ourselves. Mines the B words. It just seems right. When I expectedly hurt myself on the other hand, I just say "waaaah!" Its like my brain has accepted that pain is shortly inevitable and refuses to let you swear, so makes you make stupid noises instead. The unexpected pain is always characterised by the sharp intake of air through the feet, hopping and the use of the B words. Its instinct. I'm not proud.
Oh god, it's getting to a state of emergency now! The bladder is feeling suspiciously close to bursting, and, you know, I've had 3 kids now, its not young and fit like it used to be. It was good to talk to you but now, now I'm going in.
If I'm not back in 20 minutes send in a search party.
I wish I had a downstairs loo....