A) my bedroom hasn't had a state of emergency declared on it as a war zone as that's exactly what it looks like! It looks like 3 kids have been running round it and throwing everything I own all over the shop! Probably because they did!!
B) I can actually walk around the edge of the bed to the window without removing large random items and stools (of the seating variety, not of the Doctors samples variety - I draw the line at faeces in my room!!) out of the way
C) there isn't half a packet of custard creams crumbled into my carpet, cream side down
D) my bed is empty, still made, and there is no one dribbling, sweating and farting on my side of it
E) my nightie hasn't been randomly stuffed in duvet covers, pillowcases, youngest's wardrobe, or the latest favourite spot, the bathroom floor. Next to the cats water bowl. Which has been kicked onto said nightie
F) there is only one cat on my bed instead of three as I'm actually allergic to cats. I woke up this morning with swollen lips, and for the first and only time I compared myself favourably to Rosie Huntington-Whitely (because it's normally not entirely a fair comparison to be honest, but I had her lips today! Whoop!!!!). But who do I know with puffy watery eyes and a streaming nose??! Apart from me obvs...
G) I can just get into bed just once without spending an hour getting to it to end up sitting on biscuit crumbs and a coloured in duvet cover and sheet.
Kids, incase you read this one day - THIS IS WHY WE DONT HAVE NICE THINGS!!
Having just had to clean the bathroom at 1am (don't ask. Seriously, don't. My kids will never make it as serial killers if they keep leaving so much mess and DNA behind), I'm now going to browse Damn You Autocorrect, because there's nothing like giggling & snorting like a pig until you cry laughing and wake the kids up at 2am to chase away the insomnia....
Oh, by the way, I've a random question for my fellow Slummies - which degree would you choose for a late in life change of career? Health & Social Services, or forensic & criminal psychology? I'm thinking I'm better equipped for the latter. Goddamn it, why can't I just have a normal midlife crisis like everyone else and go bombing off down Route 66 and marry a random stranger in Vegas, on a motorbike after stopping by the tattoo parlour? Oh no, I choose higher education! I suck at being a rebel!