Hi there my slummy chummies!
For today's discussion, I am talking about magic children. That's right, children who are magic. And I mean who have magic powers. Because there is no other explanation!
I went upstairs last night to find the cat chomping on a custard cream on my bedroom floor. Not the most hygienic but then I don't think anyone else was planning on eating a dusty, hairy, licked custard cream. What I want to know is, how did it get there??
The biscuit tin in the kitchen is an old fashioned metal tin, purely so I can hear it being opened. I heard it being opened last night and snuck up on Satan who was attempting (badly) to get in the tin silently. I thwarted her efforts and checked her hands - she was at that point only dressed in pants because god forbid my kids wear nighties or pyjamas - so she had NOWHERE to hide anything. Well, that is, the only place really could've been her pants. And as much as she loves biscuits I think even SHE would draw the line at eating biscuits that had been stored next to her bum! And yet there were custard creams on my bedroom floor! How?!? The only answer is magic. She teleported them to my room. I can't think of any other way!
My middle child, Mental, used to have a thing for shoe boxes. Well, he still has a thing for shoe boxes, I'm hoping its just a normal child thing as opposed to some kind of kinky foot fetish. One day he wanted to take this bright orange shoe box to school. School doesn't let kids bring in toys and to be honest, I couldn't even think of how to explain why my son had a shoebox at school, so I took it off him. Then I helped and watched them all get in my car with just book bags and drinks. So why, when we got out at school, was Mental holding the orange shoebox?!? How the f**k did he smuggle out a fairly large orange box, while I was watching?! Its not like it was small enough to hide under his coat or in fact anywhere! There would have been a distinct box shape and there simply wasn't one! Again, it had to be magic! Only answer!
My kids have always had this ability. Mental is some kind of kleptomaniac, he used to sneak toys from other people's houses (this is probably why there was a chunk of his life where he had no friends....just saying), so I had to frisk him as we left people's homes. I'd check his hands, his sleeves and all pockets. When we got home, I'd turn round to see him with a lap full of toys that he had magicked out of his friends houses!
It clearly runs in the family.....my eldest started young. One day after nursery I went to change his nappy. Imagine my surprise and moment of sheer panic when I found a stainless steel teaspoon in his nappy! It was a good job it was just a wet nappy otherwise I'd've thought he could poop cutlery! Turns out he'd stolen it and been trying to shove it in his back pocket and had shoved it down his nappy by mistake. Then spent all day with a cold metal spoon stuck to his arse. This wasn't magic by the way, I'm talking about the whole kleptomania thing.....
Why couldn't they steal useful things like wads of cash from the bank, gold and diamonds, that kind of thing? Who wants a shoebox full of sweaty cutlery and custard creams? Well, I can answer that one, no one! No one wants a shoebox full of sweaty cutlery and custard creams!
If anyone has any other kind of explanation that doesn't involve magic, do feel free to tell me, otherwise I'll have to just resign myself to the fact that they are going to grow up to be drug mules - successful ones I've no doubt judging by their smuggling skills, but I'd rather they made much more normal career choices.......