It feels like FOREVER since I've posted, and it has been a while actually, but I was ill again at the end of last week, this time it was the random winter sick bug! You know, where the kids moan and groan but don't actually throw up, and the minute you're thinking "yeah, got away with THAT one thank god", you get hit yourself with it and make up tenfold for the lack of vomiting from the kids. I think the thing I was most annoyed at was the pure waste of the chocolate cake that I'd eaten. Gutted.
So, anyway, yesterday was parents evening. I say evening, it was supposed to be afternoon, from 3.50pm to 4.30pm - 10 minutes per child, 3 kids. Well it took me until 5pm to get out of school with my 3 delightful children, 1 hour and 45 minutes of torture from my kids. And yes, when I say 'delightful' I mean worse behaved than Lucifer, Satan, The Devil, The Dark Lord, whatever you call him, my kids would've kicked his butt big time!
So, the teachers actually praised my kids, telling me how well they were doing, hiding it badly when they tried their hardest to be diplomatic about their atrocious handwriting, but never the less very positive reviews of their work and how nice and polite and helpful they are at school. So I've taught them well, they can fool other people into thinking they're polite! Quick learners, my lot!
Now while I awaited my precious 10 minutes to bathe in the glory of the hard work I'd put into making my kids maths geniuses, we got to sit and look at all their school books. Is it just me, or do you always look for the inappropriate things they write? The winner of this years Accidental Swearing Award goes to my youngest, Satan, who wrote that her Learning Initiative was "Shat activities"! I don't know what they are but I'm pretty sure its not on the national curriculum. I also showed my own mature sense of humour (ha ha!) by asking her teacher, at the first opportunity, if she'd noticed that my daughter had written "Shat" in her book......Always goes down well, that one! A few years ago my son misspelt the word next to a picture of a sock and wrote "cock". What was even funnier is that there was a picture of a fan below it, making it look like he'd written "cock fan" which had me in stitches. Last year, after my divorce, it was middle child's turn. He didnt swear but he wrote a list of who was in our family, and although he remembered to put the family pets and siblings he hates, he glaringly obviously missed out his Dad. Which again, as I have a puerile sense of humour,, I found quite funny, so he was forgiven for missing out the Accidental Swearing.
So the part that was hell was, well, the kids are supposed to sit quietly with you, then carry on sitting quietly when you go in to see the teacher, right?? That's what they're SUPPOSED to do. What actually happened is they all went completely hyper and, along with some other hyper children, started tearing round the school hall. Which was a relief for me as I could then actually read their books and take sneaky photos of accidental swearing, like the good Mum I am (oh, I'm saving these all for their 21sts....😈). They were hastily kicked out of the hall approximately 4 times for being hyper and screaming. Apparently my pretending they weren't mine didn't really work either....so all the time every teacher was telling me how well behaved my kids were, they were all running round like little vandals on a sugar high, knocking people flying and yelling like Apache Indians....Satan was playing with a little girl who she managed to send flying into a bench, which was highly embarrassing as I'd been having quite a good chat with her Mum, who then clearly thought I was one of those people who couldn't control their kids (again, to be fair, I was just letting the noise ride over me, like I do at home!), and poor Mental came running in crying with his boxer shorts pulled up to his armpits, a la Simon Cowell, because Sensible had given him a wedgie, then every 5 minutes kept coming back in with various shoes missing as Sensible was stealing them and hiding them. In and out, yelling and squawking, then Satan performing death defying chair leaping stunts which left me with a tension headache as I envisioned her landing face first on the coat hooks and impaling herself on them. There was a whole storyline from 'Casualty' running through my head!
I ended up speaking to them through that smile, you know, the gritted teeth, wait til you get home kind of smile. If I wasn't divorced it would be a "wait til I tell your father" kind of smile. Either way, they knew they were in deep shit.
One teacher refused to believe that the lovely, kind, gentle, caring little boy in her class was actually capable of giving his younger brother a wedgie or stealing his shoes.
So I left there with 3 teachers thinking my kids were great, which is nice. The rest of the teachers thought they were little shites however, and they were frogmarched back to the car where I gave them a piece of my mind, followed by the ultimate punishment. Oh yes, yes I did! I banned the Xbox! Mwahahahaha! Take THAT you little gits, maybe next time you'll behave in public! Hah! You've thought I'd taken away their limbs! Or at least their thumbs, they sat staring at them, not quite knowing what to DO with them! What DID we do with our thumbs before computer games or texting?!
Next time I'm going to think ahead and do what everyone else did. Either get a babysitter, or take lots and lots of food, because if they're busy eating, then my middle child's shorts will stay where they are and he won't be left walking and talking with a squeak!
Until next time Slummies.....