No Mummy! PLEASE don't cook!

Hi Chummies!

I thought today I'd share you Mondays' betrayal, er I mean, "saving my feelings". Well, at first I got cross and thought "sneaky little buggers!", but then I thought, well its sort of nice that they're trying to not hurt my feelings! But that went swiftly back to "Sneaky LYING little buggers!".

Of course, this sneaking and hiding things had to do with one thing only....

My cooking skills. Or rather, lack of them.

I am a truly horrendous cook. It doesn't matter what I make, it tastes rotten. I don't know why, I can follow instructions, I like to make things up, you'd think there'd be ONE thing I could make, wouldn't you? 

After experiments, recipes, and even going down to the basic frozen kids food of Smiley Faces and Crispy Pancakes, or oven chips and fishfingers, my food turns out like crap. Crap on a plate. 

I once made what is now referred to in our house as "Butter Risotto". It was frankfurter risotto actually, but might have gone in a bit heavy handed with some butter, and sat and watched my ex and my Dad sitting there struggling until the heartburn got too much for even me and I told them to bin it. 

I then thought how easy it would be to buy a couple of ready made pizzas and do them for our Saturday night "takeaway" recently. How could they go wrong?! Someone else had made them, I just had to cook them until the cheese melted, right? So, I popped them in, turned them round halfway through the recommended cooking time, then when the recommended cooking time was up I noticed the cheese hadn't melted yet, so thought I'd just leave them in a bit longer. Kept checking to make sure they didn't burn.....it took AGES for the cheese to melt. So, it looked fairly appetising.....served it up.....then bit into it. Well, we ATTEMPTED to bite into it. Although I hadn't burnt it, the extended time in the oven had baked the base to a consistency of concrete. It wasn't just crispy, or crunchy, it was rock solid! I nearly broke my teeth! We all ended up scraping off the topping with our teeth and leaving the bases, then filled up on Saturday night snacks! 

As for my jacket spuds, well last time I was merrily microwaving away (who has the time to oven cook them?!), did them for the right amount of time, then the phone rang. So, I answered the phone and when I got off I thought I'd just heat through the spuds that had been sat cooling in the microwave. I put them on for a good few minutes to make sure they were hot enough to melt the cheese. So, I got them out and put them on the plate. I then attempted to cut them. And tried again. And got a sharp knife which wouldn't cut the surface, so I ended up stabbing the bloody things open! I thought, yeah, they're just a bit crispy, you can't overlook jacket potatoes.....hah.....when I finally cracked them open, instead of lovely fluffy potato inside, they pretty much did what the Griswolds dry, over-cooked Christmas Turkey did- see HERE at around 1.46 mins in. That was literally what happened to my spuds. They were so over cooked that there was just thick, rock-solid layers of hard skin and steam, and no potato! Literally none! Total disaster! 

My kids all burst out crying once, when I said I was cooking and no, they couldn't have a takeaway. In retrospect, it was clearly not the lack of takeaway that they were crying about, and more to do with my cooking. The fact they were sobbing "no Mummy, PLEASE don't cook!!" may have been a clue.

So I can't cook? It doesn't make me a bad person! Some people can't type, I can! Some people can't play the piano, I can! So I don't mind that I can't cook and my kids beg for sandwiches, they get healthy food without me cooking it to death. Elsewhere obviously - thank GOD for school dinners! 

So a couple of weeks ago I thought, stuff it, we'd have hot dogs. So I made hot dogs. And didn't cock it up! And the kids actually ATE them! So this Sunday just gone, I asked the kids if they wanted hot dogs again and they shouted out "yay, we LOVE hot dogs!"

I was onto a winner! Unfortunately they were out of hot dog buns so I had to make it in rolls. Because I had to cut the frankfurters in half, I ended put putting perhaps a teeny tiny bit too much ketchup on to stick the half cut frankfurters to the rolls. So as I sat happily munching, thinking it was jut mine that was a bit too saucy and going a bit red in the face, the kids sat happily munching too, making no sound, no complaining for once, cleared up their plates and popped them in the sink ready for me to wash up. I congratulated the kids on having nothing left on their plates, clearing up, and felt finally satisfied that they'd all actually eaten all of something I made for them!

The next day, after I'd dropped them at school, I came home and started to clear breakfast dishes (I know, right?? I usually don't start clearing up til 2.30pm!), I opened the compost to scrape the leftover cereal pieces into it, and what do you think I found? Yes, that's right, 6 complete rolls with all the frankfurters still in place, with a small bite mark on 3 of them! The little, lying, sneaky, toe rags had clearly taken a bite and then pretended to carry on eating before sneaking all of their food into the compost! The little....! I was SO pissed off! But then I thought, how kind that they pretended to eat my food and snuck it into the bin so they wouldn't hurt my feelings, which is pretty much what I do to any food they ever prepare, or handle, then give to me....who knows where those fingers have been?! Well, I do actually, which is why I pretend to eat it but end up chucking it in the compost....

I think I'll give up, sandwiches for tea on Sunday kids??

X

P.S. Don't forget to click HERE for details on how to enter my giveaway!