Well I've not posted much the last few days because my iPad has fallen out with my website builder and nothing seems to want to work! So as a shameless plug, follow me on
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So anyway, my weekend! Well it started Friday after school where for once I was "the best mum ever!" as I took the brood to sit actually IN McDonalds, which is a rare treat for them, along with theirs and my friend. Then double treat, we went to their house afterwards and let them play and none of them broke anything, ate everything in the cupboard or had any kind of accident, which in my book is nothing short of miraculous! But of course, we had the ultimate bribery - School Disco!!
There's nothing like a school disco to strike fear into the hearts of every parent, every teacher & TA, and every member of the PTA. It is essentially unpaid overtime, but not in a fairly calm controlled classroom environment. Oh no, nope. In a large, hot and sweaty room full of hundreds of very small people. Small people who have drunk 3 pints of highly sugared coke or lemonade, eaten sweets, sweets and some more sweets, fast food, more sweets, highly excited by the flashing objects, glow sticks, listening to their favourite songs, jumping up and down in manic joyfulness, being handed pound after pound by the parents who are attempting to sit, ignore, and gossip because, lets face it, this is the only socialising that happens these days....these poor people have to endure this AND loud music without even the escape of a nice glass of wine (our school used to be licensed, the problem was, the parents enjoyed the discos far more than the children and sat around getting pissed while the kids sat in the corner jangling the car keys and begging to go home. People smuggling in their own cheap cans of cider put the final nail in the lid of the drinking coffin. Bastards!! Don't they know I still have another 6 years of sober school discos left?!).
So anyway, 3 hyper, sticky, crazed kids later, we finally went home, I was declared the best mum in the world ever (although I know its a shortlived momentary lapse in the memories of little people) and made it home and to bed in time for the sugar crash.
For the rest of the weekend, I've been left with the fallout from £30 worth of coke (the drink as opposed to the street drug of the same name) and sweets. The morning after, I found myself standing at my doctors surgery queuing up with three hyper kids, to get my flu jab. With approx 200 other people, all of whom were over the age of 70. I know this to be true as the surgery estimated the average age times the jabs given and came up with the total of 35,000 years going through their doors that morning. Or well actually, as I'm "only" 40 (only?!? How the hell did I get to 40??!), that figure would be closer to 34,970 years. But I digress...
Do you have any idea of the tension you feel standing in a queue of 200 70 year olds with a five year old with Tourette's? She doesn't actually have Tourette's but I think I might get her tested. Although having said that, she may get it from me. Every now and then when I'm driving down the road I tend to randomly shout "dickhead" out the window, although they usually are dickheads, so I don't know if its Tourette's or just a lack of diplomacy and tact.
So 5 minutes into our queuing time of a very very long 30 minutes, the 5 year old (we'll call her Satan for protection purposes in this case) pipes up with "Mummy, why is everyone old?".
"Sorry??" I almost whispered back at her, hoping I had misheard her, and if I misheard her then the 200 OAPs stood a good chance of mishearing her.
"Mummy, everyone here is SO OLD! Why are they all SO OLD??"
You think you know how to handle things when your kids pipe up with the embarrassing and quite frankly, non-PC comments that they're prone to making, but no one really prepares you for 200 grey topped or bald heads all turning round and staring at you at the same time. It was pretty creepy to be honest, I felt like I was the only human in the Invasion of The Bodysnatchers film. I expected them to extend their arms and start screaming at me. Quite clearly they expected me to say something, but my quickly scrabbled around for answer of "its very rude to talk about people's ages you know, the reason they're all old is they all came for their flu jabs and didn't die of flu!" probably wasn't quite what they were expecting. To be fair that wasn't quite what I was expecting to come out of my mouth either, I think if my mouth had stopped after saying it was rude to talk about ages, that would have been quite enough. My mouth never quite knows when its ahead though, it rarely quits when its there! By the looks I was getting it was clearly felt that I should take Satan to one side and batter her senseless old school stylee. But who is stupid enough to batter Satan - I don't give in to peer pressure. And besides which, Satan can be quite violent and scary once she gets going. So I settled for the EMG (Evil Mummy Glare) instead, along with the tightly gripped hand clearly showing I wasn't about to let her loose on the crowd.
That was probably one of the longest queues I've ever been in, it certainly felt like it. Another 25 minutes of holding onto Satan just incase she got the urge to go and kick old people, with my teeth gritted and jaw tensed, felt like a good 2 hours. I've never been so grateful to be stabbed with a needle in my life, the sheer relief of getting in the car without being battered by OAPs is second to none. There was one old lady who laughed but I don't thinks she knew where she was, let alone remembered what Satan had shouted out 10 seconds before.
So, now I'm sat here with a dead arm and a few aches and pains for my troubles, I think its clearly time to look into alternative doctors surgeries, somewhere where no one knows us. This is what I have to resort to. Thanks a lot Satan........