Well first thing this morning my dog got to the kitty food and yakked on the floor, right next to the table the kids were eating breakfast at. Now that's a lovely way to start the day not only for the kids but for myself, because there's nothing quite like rummaging around the cleaning cupboard for disposable gloves and cleaning products when your eyes are still firmly closed and your nose is hunting for the aroma of fresh coffee. Ok, well, Nescafé at least! This was not the aroma I wanted first thing and the consistency was certainly not anything my stomach could deal with - I don't know what's a worse sight for my kids in the morning, dog yakk right next to their feet while munching on cereal or their elegant, graceful mother cleaning up dog yakk whilst bent over and loudly retching and dribbling over the yakk (not in a "wow, look at that gorgeous cupcake, its making my mouth water just looking at it" kind of way).
So anyhoo, after school run and my 5 year olds attempt at surprising me by hiding until the bell went, resulting in a sulking child and a stressed out mum with her finger hovering over 999 to report her missing child (it was a LONG time ok?!), I watched an episode of Bad Bridesmaid and nearly wee'd myself laughing (Bobbie! Larping! Rylan Clark and knicker making! If you've not seen that episode you've not experienced true cringeworthy humiliation!), I had some errands to do.
Let's jump to my conversation with a policeman on a phone! So I'm yattering away to them, as you do, because its not like they've got crimes or anything to solve, there's nothing better than a little chat about Jeremy Kyle and the youth of today....actually I was CRAPPING myself even though I only had a little query (don't start me on Red Van Man!! 😡), because, don't we all, whenever we see police, a police car, have to talk to them, or accidentally make eye contact? Any or all of these just makes me want to jump up and down shouting "I did it!! It was me!! I'm guilty!! Take me away officer!" Even when I've done nothing wrong. NOTHING!
So, as I was waiting, I attempted some light hearted chatter. Meanwhile my dog, who had got to the wet kitten food this time, started to silently chunder next to me......."So, I don't suppose you get many phonecalls like mine do you? Haha!" (nervous giggle. Nightmare when someone says their cat has died. That happened. No jokes).
Mr Policeman "Well no, we don't. Its usually something like there's a cat stuck up a tree!".
"Oh, really? Haha! Well if it makes you feel better, my dogs just yakked up next to my leg!"
Yes, I said that. Those exact words. Remember Dirty Dancing? "I carried a watermelon?!?". It was that kind of moment. Silence fell. There was only the sound of wind blowing tumbleweeds across the phone line. My face turned so puce I looked like a victim of carbon monoxide poisoning. I just couldn't speak. I wanted to take it back and just say "I'll hold!". Credit to Mr Policeman who eventually came back with a half hearted polite laugh and saying "lovely!".
In fact it was kind of like today's Bad Bridesmaid when Bobbie the Larper (wtf? Who knows! Don't question it, its TV gold!) told Rylan Clark he looked like an elf king, kind of woody, and like a tree.....his polite smile started to melt down his face as much as he tried to raise his eyebrows to pull his grin back into place, and you could virtually see him thinking "what? I've not received Presenting Training in how to deal with this! Er, just smile and say thanks! And then walk away.....do it Rylan, quick, you don't know what these nutters are capable of....I'm a tree?!".
In fact pretty much the same reaction as Mr Policeman....I very nearly shouted down the line "I did it! It was me! I'm guilty!" just to bring the conversation back to something vaguely normal. Well, for him, not me. I didn't do it, it wasn't me and I'm not guilty!
Its now time for me to chill out after my stressful day, so I'm going to rock a bit on my sofa while I contemplate the disturbing conversation i had this evening with a large well known company I owe money to (its cool to be in debt, its the latest thing!!*), who stated over and over again that my account was no longer held by them, yet couldn't explain why, if that was the case, they had put a £500 interest charge on top of the money owed, because they didn't hold my account. But had charged me £500 in interest.....when I stated that using their current rate of interest I would be owing them roughly a million pounds when I died, I was met with the mind boggling statement of "No Madam, I don't think that is the case at all. We simply cant tell when you are going to die, it could be next week in which case you'd only owe £500 more than your debt!" Completely seriously.
I'm still considering alcoholism....or possibly, a lobotomy. That would not only stop me saying stupid things to policemen, but I could send it to the customer service department of a large, well known company to share with their staff....
*Its not cool to be in debt! Its really sucky! Don't get into debt or you'll have to have mind boggling conversations with brain dead morons that work for large, well known companies! So just, you know, save up. Or ask your Mum or Dad - at least they wont charge you £500 a month in interest! But then you may be frozen out of the family forever if you approach them saying you can only pay them back at £1 a month, meaning you'll be roughly 739 when you pay the debt off......