I was thinking about something Christmassy to write about today, but as everyone I know is putting up their tree and decorations - in NOVEMBER! - I thought I'd wait until the actual month Christmas is in. Don't infer by my sentence that I'm a Scrooge, nope, I LOVE Christmas which is why I keep our tree up in January! Which has nothing at all to do with the fact that I really can't be bothered to put all the decs away and find real homes for the Christmas presents.....nothing to do with that at all...I'm just full of Christmas cheer is all!
Instead I started thinking about how often my kids tell me off! I seem to revert so some strange inner child/teenager when rowing with the kids. Instead of adult calm, reasonable talk, I usually answer "because I said so and I'm boss, so I rule, right?" & then stick my tongue out. I think this is because I'm clearly trying to get down to a child's level in order to crack them. I'm essentially a child terrorist, and all the things that drive me to distraction, I throw right back at them! Take THAT eh?
But I often wonder who the parent is....obviously my kids don't swear (apart from that incident at nursery with Mental at age 3, when he swore loudly 3 times - just incase we could find a way to talk our way out of the first 2 - then there was the time I picked him up and laughing loudly at their music playing in the classroom said "Ah, the theme to Big Cook, Little Cock! We love that in our house! Haha". Yes, cringe, because thats what I did, the EVILS I got, like I MEANT to shout out the names for a male member on purpose! We moved nurseries soon after, I don't think we were the clientele they were after...).
But my kids have the ability to hear me swear, even if I whisper, out of range, or just make the noise of the word, or simply MOUTH the word to my friends! They are like lip-reading ninjas with bionic hearing! "Aw Mummy, that's a swear!! You can't say that!!", hands on hips, like they're the Mum police.
I reply, as always, in my most adult, calm manner "Actually, yes I CAN swear, because I'm an adult. You are kids so you can't swear, and I tell you what to do so shh. Or you'll get no Christmas presents from Santa!" 😏 I know right, bringing Santa into it, ingenious!
I was driving along the other day and its fair to say I have my fair share of road rage, nothing abnormal, just you know, when people aim and drive at my car or refuse to acknowledge my existence on the roads just because I own a small car! (My baby, Fiat 500, pale blue, with a disco ball on the aerial, of course!)
Some idiot cut me up as usual and I had to slam the brakes on. "Indicate!!" I shouted out at the top of my voice, to hear my eldest take a gasp and shout out "Mummy!!"
"Er, yes Sensible, that's my name!"
Sensible: "You just said a swear!"
I racked my brains and was pretty sure I didn't drop the F bomb..."Er, no I didn't!"
"Yes you did Mummy!"
"No I bloody well did not!" (The irony was lost on him...)
"You DID Mummy!"
"Ok then Cleverclogs, what did I say??!"
"I can't say it Mummy, its a swear!"
"But I didn't say a swear!"
"Yes you did!"
"I did not, but I'm about to! Tell me the swear, you won't get in trouble this time because I'm asking you, because I don't recall any swear words coming out of my mouth!!"
I was so confused at this point and thinking "please don't say the F word oh innocent child of mine!"
"Mummy, you said.....indicate!"
"Er, that's not a swear...."
"Yes it is!"
"No, it most definitely is not!"
It went on for some time, turns out because I'm cross with the other driver and shouting out the word 'indicate' quite a lot, usually followed by a muttered "idiot" which although not a swear word, IS a banned word in this house unless I'm making a joke about any villages missing theirs....so, because I only ever used the word when shouted it every time someone nearly wrote off my car, he thought it must be a swear word (incidentally, the amount of people trying to drive into you is quite high here in Cheshire, I used to feel paranoid then realised that whoever had designed the road systems round my way clearly did so when they were totally, paralytically drunk, on drugs or blatantly missing vital areas if their brain. Either way, they clearly wanted cars to regularly collide!)!
I remember my dad going spare the first time I dropped the F bomb in front of him when I was 18 and refused my argument of the fact I was now legally an adult so could do what I want. Now I've gone over to 3 little people going spare if I so much as say something with the wrong tone to it! I constantly feel like a sulky 14 year old again, not allowed to say what I want! I'm being controlled by people 30 years younger than me!! And half my height! I feel like I'm being policed by Oompa Loompas!
Did I say I wasn't a Scrooge?!? Well, bah humbug!!