Bed Sheets & Cursed Stair Gates

I'm all for that "loving sleeping in fresh sheets" thing but as a person with disabilities:

A - it's a bloody nightmare actually changing them and being stood up actually accidentally inside the duvet cover with the duvet isn't particularly helpful when you're on the highest dose of medication for anxiety!!!! 

B - because I sleep upright using a prop and 4 very specific pillows, all different from the other, first I need to make sure I get them back in the right order and THEN you only finally find yourself really getting comfy and moulding into the pouffed up pillows roundabout the time it takes to need to change the sheets again! 

Still, if changing sheets is challenging (and now I'm hurting all over and my bed isn't comfy cos it's all pouffed up!), taking off screwed in stair gates is enough to virtually kill me. I mean it did. I fell over (which sounds funny and quite probably looked hysterical, and if it was my friend I'd be absolutely pissing myself laughing), but being physically and chronic-painfully challenged really REALLY hurt, much less the fact I nearly stabbed myself with the screwdriver when I fell. When I finally dragged and heaved my huge sorry backside back up again, the problem was that that there was "hidden screw syndrome". This means there's a screw, but it's hidden, and when you put it in you thought "I must remember how that hidden screw thingy works for when I take it off, I'll keep the instructions safe!". Instructions went in the bin along with most of my memories after the coma! Yes I had a coma. So what? It's the latest thing I've heard, great for the skin, all that ventilated oxygen keeping your lungs working and stuff....

Anyhow, the gate was hanging on by one hidden screw. One. Hidden. Bastard. Screw. So I attempted with my feeble body strength to just yank the gate off, whilst screaming - it was much like hearing a woman in labour actually, yanking at it and screeching between gritted teeth "will you just get out you little bastard!!!!" (ok I didn't say it in labour - we were all thinking it though!!)

In my amazing strength, I managed to yank it off the wall, so hard (haha) that there was no damage to the wall or to the fittings! So I put it up for sale! And now I know how to word adverts to sell things really quickly! Just be really honest! I did however only sell it for £5, and the sweat and tears put into it...the kids learned some new words....and wondered why mummy was trying to kill the gate (it was like I was attempting a prison escape). 

And why did I do this? Why decide to do this after the hell of changing my sheets? 

Because it has been screwed into my daughters bedroom door frame for 3 years. For all 3 years it has failed to keep her inside it. At first she climbed it like a little monkey climbing a tree. And later she just learnt to open it. She's long outgrown it but it's one of those jobs you never get round to doing. 

But for the past 3 bloody years, every single evening, all I hear downstairs is the incessant "clank. Clank" of Satan banging it against the wall. 3 years of being slowly driven insane. So I did it through anger!!!! It gave me courage and strength! 

And now I really hurt all over and my bed smells nice but isn't comfy and my bum hurts cos I fell over backwards and this none too light body weight fully landed on the arse area. 

As a lesson to us all, stair gates are evil. Cursed. You can bring them home any time you like, but they will never leave....

Sorry, went all Hotel California there. The scariest song in existence. Apart from Zombie where the lead singer of the Cranberries does a very good impression of a seagull. Soz. Love the Cranberries, but she DOES sound like a seagull!

I shall leave you with a picture of my ad should you ever wish to get rid of a piece of cursed furniture - I'd hardly finished writing it when it was sold! I pray the dark side inside Satan was actually in her cursed stair gate and when it leaves I can rename her AngelCakes! 😊