Once upon a time there was a Perfect Mummy.
She loved to clean and iron clothes all day long and when her Perfect Children came home she used to cook them a homegrown healthy bowl of vegetables with grilled fish and they ate it all up. When that was finished Perfect Mummy used to get the craft box out and they would hand make presents for all their friends and family, they were always impeccably made and never had glue or bits of tissue paper sticking out on badly coloured wood. They would all help Perfect Mummy clear up and then they would have a lovely bath where Perfect Mummy tested them on their Phonics and spelling, sometimes even some grammar! When bath time was finished, they'd all sit together patiently while Perfect Mummy helped with their maths homework and they would all read their reading books to her. After she took them upstairs for a bedtime story and a lullaby, she tucked them lovingly into their soft fresh sheets which smelled of fresh air and fairy clouds. When they were in Dreamland she would wash up and run a bath. She would then do some stimulating coursework and then retire to bed, after her full cleanse, tone, moisturise, and go to bed and sleep. For 9 hours. When she awoke the birds would be tweeting and she would look perfect and not have morning breath!
Then there was Normal Mummy. Normal Mummy would pick the children up from school every day, and go to McDonald's on the way home. When home she would look at her piles of clean and dirty unlaundered clothes and apply the Sniff Test for tomorrow's uniform, after using wet wipes to get any toothpaste, food or mud off. Normal Mummy would then run around like a headless chicken, washing up and checking book bags for letters. She was always surprised to find 3 weeks worth of letters and at least 3 school trips, which were all tomorrow. After hastily cobbling together packed lunches of varying quality of "food", outdoor wear and swimming gear for said outings, she would wipe her dripping wet sweaty face. She would then check the children all over and give THEM a quick Sniff Test, before deciding a wet wipe wash would do for now. At 7pm on the dot, Normal Mummy would then shout out "time for bed everyone!", and tell them to get changed and take themselves to bed, where one child could read their reading books to the other children as bed time stories. The children would then take themselves to bed in their fragrant sheets which were due for a wash, but not yet crunchy enough to warrant it. Normal Mummy would be desperate for a good soak in the bath but once she sat down she found she could not move and only had energy to move to find the bottle of wine and a corkscrew. She would drink directly from the bottle to save on washing up, and put a recorded Jeremy Kyle show on, with her feet up on the coffee table. Eventually she would go to bed at 2am after spending 4 hours building up to actually going upstairs to bed. She would look in the mirror at her sweaty face and mussed greasy hair and would mutter "meh" and walk back out of the bathroom. She would then trip over a million toys and step on at least 10 pieces of lego whilst muttering swear words under her breath on the long walk to bed. When she got in she would find at least one child in her bed who'd been farting and dribbling on her pillow. She would fall into a dazed sleep and awaken having mild cardiac arrhythmia upon the screeching tone of her 3 alarms, and stumble blindly out of bed.
One day Normal Mummy met Perfect Mummy.
She stabbed that bitch dead and from thereon in there were no more Perfect Mummies. Ever. Anywhere in the world. And all the Normal Mummies would laugh and laugh and drink wine forever!
And they all lived happily ever after.